


and do flowers grow in heartache?

by codependentsoulmates



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Asexual Sam Winchester, M/M, Unrequited Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-01-06
Packaged: 2018-03-06 07:21:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3125903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/codependentsoulmates/pseuds/codependentsoulmates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>featuring ace!sam and unrequited wincest (sam to dean)</p>
            </blockquote>





	and do flowers grow in heartache?

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by [this](http://lilbabsammy.tumblr.com/post/106935631713) and [this](http://sharkbaitsheartthrob.tumblr.com/post/106941561890/lilbabsammy-asexual-sam-falling-in-love-with)
> 
> also features lapslock because i find it aesthetically pleasing.
> 
> disclaimer: i do not claim that this is a true and extensively accurate portrayal of asexuality, there is a spectrum and people can fall on various points or even areas of this spectrum. i do not mean to offend anyone in anyway with this fic.

sam is twelve years old when he realizes that something may be wrong with him. sophie winters lets him touch her small tits behind the school and he feels nothing. it’s entirely anticlimactic and he pulls his hands from her chest apologizing profusely before running away to where dean should be waiting for him. when dean asks him what’s wrong (sam is shaking and dean can feel how tense he is) sam lies and says he had a hard math pop quiz. to which dean laughs, ruffles his hair and tells him he probably aced it as usual.

sam figures that he should have known something was up before **the incident** , as he’s started calling it in his head. when guys in school talk about how far (and in some cases how _not_ far) they’ve gone with girls sexually he’s largely uninterested. he doesn’t care to know about how amanda’s tits felt pressed against josh’s chest during a dance, nor does he care to know about the time (and is a little bit disgusted by if he’s honest with himself) tiffani let greg finger her.

at first he wonders if he’s gay but after lifting some muscle mags from a gas station and looking at the toned and albeit attractive men he realizes he feels nothing for them as well. when he masturbates it’s not any vivid fantasies about him and an imaginary person. it’s more like sensations and light and the vague image of two other people doing it and he’s a mere spectator with no desire to join.

∞

after doing some research at a local library, sam realizes that he probably falls somewhere on the asexual spectrum. it is a relief to to finally have a label albeit shaky for what’s wrong with him. as he continues doing research, he realizes there’s nothing wrong with him at all and it’s perfectly normal to not experience sexual attraction. when he finds that out he’s so happy he buys himself an ice cream cone to celebrate.

∞

sam is fifteen years old when he realizes that there is a lot more wrong with him than he thought.

∞

his brother is everything. dean is his world. sometimes, sam hates to admit this, sometimes his heart feels like it’s going to give out just by looking at dean’s face. there’s still a softness to him, a gentleness despite the hardened life they live and it makes dean so _stunning_ that sam’s mouth goes dry and his hands shake. and his smile (his _real_ smile not his _charm your panties off_ smile) god sam loves that smile. he does just about anything to get to see it because dean doesn’t smile like that nearly enough.

it kind of makes sam want to throw up, how much he loves his brother. he stole an anthology of poems from a library in some town they were in without realizing each and every one dealt with some form of unrequited adoration. sam’s not proud of it, but those damned poems made him cry himself to sleep many a night.

sam is in love with him. sam loves him like dew drops on grass blades and the way the sun caresses the sky as it says hello and goodbye.

dean is what’s right in a world gone wrong. sam loves his dad, don’t get him wrong, but this life is overbearing for sam. it weighs him down and steals his hope of ever being _normal_. he can keep his asexuality hidden (a few weird looks is nothing) but he can’t keep running around from place to place saving a country that doesn’t care about them or know what their real names are. but dean. dean. dean is hope and warm freshly baked apple pie from a rough day at school. dean is laughter and brightness in sam’s ever encroaching darkness.

(sam realizes that this is a _big problem_ when he finds himself thinking about marrying dean one day.)

∞

the thing is, even if _even if_ dean would ever be interested in a guy, let alone his brother, that guy couldn’t be sam. dean loves sex. loves everything about it. loves eating a girl out, loves getting his dick sucked, loves fucking into them with slow long strokes, or hard and fast, and loves them riding him: hair flying and tits bouncing unless he’s squeezing them with his strong hands.

sam knows all this because dean tells him this stuff. sam doesn’t really have the heart to tell him to shut up because he’s not ready to open up two cans of worms at once. but, the more he hears about dean’s sex stories, the more he’s determined that sex is just not for him and the more he feels like dying because even if dean looked at him the same way, he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.

so sam just sucks it up, pretends to pay attention to dean talking; gets just the gist of it, and ignores the increasing ache in his heart.

∞

sometimes it’s so easy to be in love with dean.

when it’s just them, no talk of girls or the job. when dean only has eyes for him, listening to his stories of school with undivided attention as if he really believes what sam has to say is important. when it’s just them, sitting together watching syndicated tv. sam sits tucked away against dean’s side and dean’s arm is a welcomed weight across his shoulders. when it’s just them, lying on the grass in bobby’s backyard. dean’s fingers wrapped loosely around sam’s wrist. if dean notices the jumps in sam’s pulse he says nothing. sam’s thankful for that.

every so often, after john bids them both goodnight and tells them he loves them, dean and sam lay in bed, legs tangled. they whisper into the darkness about everything and nothing. honestly, sometimes sam wonders if they’re even speaking english. but during those moments sam is so in love with dean it is a physical pain in his chest and it takes all his self control not to kiss him.

he settles for hiding his face in dean’s neck, feeling his pulse beat strong and steady against his lips and falling asleep; lulled by the sound of his breathing.

∞

sam is sixteen years old when dean starts asking him questions about his sex life and sam is just not ready to go there. he gets it: dean is his older brother and they practically live in each other’s pockets, so of course dean would be interested. he just doesn’t know how to tell him that he’s asexual.

(he does more research and realizes that he may be demiromantic as well. while he doesn’t crush often, when it happens it isn’t limited to girls. he finds himself wanting to go on dates with cute boys in his class and hold their hands while they watch the stars. and it only happens when they stay in one place long enough for him to develop a connection with someone.)

how can he tell dean all of this? dean probably doesn’t know that sexuality is more like a spectrum and that romantic orientations exist. he supposes he can tell dean he’s gay and leave it at that but even that option sounds a bit… displeasing. he doesn’t know how dean will react, how _dad_ will react even if he ever found out.

however, one day sam just has enough of dean constantly pointing out girls to him (he doesn’t care about their rack or their ass and none of them are really that pretty when they’re standing so close to dean) he just blurts out that he’s gay and immediately want to find the next bus out of town and ride it into nowhere. dean stares at him for way too long and sam begins to fidget. he’s about to say something like ‘sike!’ or ‘you should have seen your face!’ when dean smiles at him.

"that’s cool." dean tells him, ruffling his hair. "could’ve told me from the very beginnin’, sammy."

sam manages a smile but all dean does after that is start pointing out cute boys to him and that’s no better.

(his dad doesn’t really understand why any red blooded american male would give up the company of girls, but he hugs him and tells him he doesn’t love him any less. it nearly makes sam cry. )

∞

sometimes it’s really fucking hard being in love with dean.

dean doesn’t make him feel bad for being gay (even though he’s not), and he doesn’t tell him sex stories anymore. but dean still goes out. he still comes home with his neck littered with bruises and his back angry red from sharp nails and smelling of perfume with a sex soaked smile on his face. and sam still has to deal with the burning ache that gets worse and worse because dean will never ever be his.

∞

sam comes out as asexual sometime between turning sixteen, and turning seventeen. he prints out a bunch of material at the local libary about sexuality, the asexuality spectrum and romantic orientation. he sits dean and john down in the dining area of their motel room and explains everything. he can tell they don’t really understand but after reading and asking their questions they both hug him tight and sam feels such a relief that he actually starts crying.

john takes them both out for ice cream after that.

∞

dean stops trying to get him to notice cute boys and politely turns away any girls to come onto sam when he sees sam get nervous. it makes sam fall even deeper in love with dean, like, sam’s so in love with dean at this point that he can barely form a coherent thought that doesn’t have something to do with dean. the only reason he manages to focus in school is because he forces himself to because he knows he can’t get into a good college, and get out of this life, if he doesn’t.

but when he has a quiet moment, sam’s thoughts are dedicated to dean and how his lips would feel under sam’s.

sometimes, sam thinks that he could put it aside for dean. it’s not like he opposes orgasms, he masturbates regularly and feels spectacular afterwards. after all, he’s also read that a lot of ace people (sam really likes using ace because it makes him feel cool) do have sex with their partners despite not actually being _interested_ in it. so sam thinks he could do that for dean. no one else but dean. anything to make dean love him the way sam longs to be loved.

but sam doesn’t think he wants to do that. from what he’s seen, sex isn’t about intimacy with dean. while dean respects the women he sleeps with, he usually doesn’t call them the next day. he doesn’t do commitment even when they stay in the same town for a while. and he’s afraid that if he does it once, dean will want it again and again and sam will have to keep saying no.

then sam stops himself with a little mirthless laugh. this isn’t even a problem because dean is straight and sam is his brother and they’ve done some pretty illegal things but he thinks dean draws the line at incest.

(one night dean finds sam crying himself to sleep. he climbs into bed with him and holds him close and kisses his forehead. it makes sam cry harder.)

∞

sam loves dean like flames love dry branches. sam loves him the way the darkness overpowers the light. he loves dean like the way a car crash is tragically beautiful. he loves his brother like he wants to carve dean’s name into his skin.

∞

dean’s going out tonight. sam hates it but he can’t stop it. he sits in front of the tv, legs crossed underneath him as he watches some educational channel he found. as dean’s about to leave, he ruffles sam’s hair, tells him not to wait up. sam can hear the smirk in his face and he feels like he’s going to be sick. as dean’s pulling his hand away from sam’s head, sam’s own hand reaches out and grabs dean by the wrist.

dean looks at him, eyebrows raised. and the words on the tip of sam’s tongue. he wants to beg dean not to go out, to stay in and be with him; really be with him. he wants to apologize for being so screwed up and ask him for kiss him in the same breath. he wants to say that he’s okay with sex as long as it’s with dean if it’ll make him be sam’s forever. he wants to say _i love you_ and _i’ve always loved you_ and _please love me_. but this all goes unspoken, and sam’s been holding onto dean’s wrist for a very long amount of time.

their gazes meet and sam’s never seen this particular shade of green in dean’s eyes before.

"sammy?" dean asks softly, looking so concerned that sam wants to cry. he’s been crying too much lately.

dean turns his hand so his fingers rest on sam’s pulse point. his touch burns so deliciously, sam wants dean’s hands all over his body, touching everywhere and claiming sam as his. god, he’s so in love with his brother, he wants his brother to love him too, asexuality and all.

he says _i love you_ but what comes out of his mouth is “i’m not feeling so well.”

the date is cancelled moments after sam utters his lie and dean sits curled up beside him. “should’ve said something earlier.” dean admonishes him gently.

∞

sam is seventeen years old when he kisses dean for the first time.

sam steals a kiss while dean sleeps beside him, curled up on the sofa, after a night of watching as many terrible b horror movies as possible, and he knows he shouldn’t have done that because now he wants even more. but dean loves sex and girls and everything that sam isn’t and sam feels like screaming. he gently extricates himself from dean’s embrace, his body feels warm and there’s a ring of fire circling his wrist where dean’s fingers were. he quietly goes back to the bedroom and slips into bed, pressing his face to the pillow. he vaguely wonders if he could die like this.

(he wakes up in the middle of the night to dean sliding into bed with him, pressed up behind sam as dean’s arm goes over his waist. “don’t leave me like that again.” he says, his voice husky with sleep.

and sam’s heart aches for him.)


End file.
